Monday, October 31, 2005

where would u choose...?

if you have a gun... where would u place the barrel b4 squeezing the trigger...?


1) between the eyes...

2) beside the temple...

3) in your mouth...

4) at your heart...

5) forehead...


i would place it at my heart...



reasons being...

i wanna die beautiful... i dun wan my head to be busted...

the heart has caused me enuff aches... in terms of work stress.. pr... relationship...

it ought to be taught a lesson...

sometimes i...

sometimes i wish the whole world would just leave me alone...

sometimes i wish i can sever all ties with the mortal world...

sometimes i wish the whole world would be more senstitive to other's feelings...

sometimes i wish i can walk out of the haunted past and live life anew...

sometimes i wonder why i have friends who are so insensitive...

sometimes i wonder why i have relatives who are so big mouth...

sometimes i wonder why i cant live a simple and ordinary life like the others...

sometimes i wonder why must i always be in the limelight of everyone's attention...

sometimes i wonder why must i always be the topic of everyone's conversation...

sometimes i wonder why i cant never walk out of this haunted past...

sometimes i wonder why everyone have to bring my haunted past back to haunt me...

sometimes i wonder why i always have to be the one giving...

sometimes i wonder why cant i be on the receiving end...

sometimes i wonder why am i not the one knocked down by a car...

sometimes i wonder why am i not the one who got killed in a armed robbery...

sometimes i wonder why am i not the one who just drop dead from cardiac arrest...

sometimes i wonder why i continue to live such an unhappy life...

sometimes i wonder why i have to live behind a mask to face the world...

sometimes i wonder why i have to treat as though nothing has happened...

sometimes i wonder why i have to endure all the blows to my life...

sometimes i wonder why i cant be happy like a small boy...

sometimes i wonder why i have to face all the heartache and pain and stress...



sometimes i wish i can leave everything behind and just hide in an unknown corner in the world...

stress... heartaches and disappointments...

this sem is full of stress... heartaches and disappointment...

never in my life had i ever did so badly...

never...



never had i ever struggled so hard in academics...

i pushed myself...

i forced myself...

but it's just now getting anywhere...



this stress is seriously choking the last breath outta me...

Sunday, October 30, 2005

disabled toilet...

wtf...

it's only a disabled toilet...

wat's the big woohaa about it...?




but seriously...

if it's me...

i would still choose to use the disabled toilet...



reasons being:

1) more spacious...

2) private basin and stuff...

3) CLEANLINESS...



yah... you cant imagine how bad some people's aiming is...

i have seen how someone left his "trophy" on the rim of the bowl...

no joke...



anyway my view on this is...

disabled toilets are for the physically disabled...

it's their right...

for able-bodied like me...

it's a priviledge...



but would u queue 10 mins for a urinal or cubicle...

when there is a vacant disabled toilet...?

i wouldnt hesitate...

swing... bad bad swing...

been having some serious mood swings recently..

not too soon if it's due to work stress or relationship stuff or other kinda shit...

anyway...

these swings are really distracting me...

i just cant focus...

and this damn design theory report is fucking killing me...



phenomenology...

big word for a small person like me...

struggling struggling struggling...



fucking headache is here to stay again...

and it's just making my day worse...

trays of panadol just dun seem to work...



if i have a pistol rite now...

i would gladly place the barrel at my temple...

and gently squeeze the trigger...

confident...?

do i really appear to be a confident person...?

everyone thinks so...



then i guess u ppl dunno me well enuff...

Saturday, October 29, 2005

if...

if i were to leave for a better place tomorrow...

will u miss me...?

will u tear for me...?

will u...

Thursday, October 27, 2005

gone with the wind...

it's gone...

just like that...


there goes 1st class...

i think it's not possible to get 80 odd % for next year...

damn it damn it damn it..

going home...?

it's almost nov...

it's getting closer to the day i fly home...

but this time im not excited...

neither am i looking forward to it...

i dunno why...



i dun wanna stay here...

but yet i dun wanna go home...

or at least not looking forward to it...



where do i belong now...?

Monday, October 24, 2005

end of sem... soon....

im so glad it's comin to the end of 4th year...

it's been a really tough year...

more than usual number of sleepless or late nites...



just submitted my final design for mixed-use this afternoon...

felt so relieved now...

i know im not gonna do as well as last sem...

but it's too late to cry over spilled milk....

so i supposed i can only live with it...



now i just got my final design theory to finish up with i fly home...

damn...

i miss home...

i miss local food...

and most of all...

i miss You...

Thursday, October 20, 2005

careless...

i think i'm not just plain stupid...

i'm fucking careless as well...

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

stupid....

sometimes i feel that im stupid...

seriously stupid...

hungry...?

i think i forgot how hungry feels like...

maybe it's because i hasnt really felt hungry for the past few days...

yah.... it's true...



i had heinz spaggetti with meatballs...

heinz butter chicken curry...

heinz black pepper steak...

kfc...

hungry jacks...

for the PAST WEEK...



tat is...

1 meal per day... more or less...

and i dun eat when im "hungry..."

i eat on a regular basis...



i.e >

it's 6pm.... not hungry... but nvm... theorically it's dinner time... so i should eat...



when people ask me how's dinner...

my usual reply would be >

1) havnt eat...

2) i dunno... i just ate for the sake of eating...



which is quite sad actually...

eating is meant to be enjoyed...

not just going through the motion...



there's a weird feeling in my stomach now...

not too sure if it's hunger...

or the need to go "bomb pearly harbour...."

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

beyond stress levels...

i cant take the stress anymore...

work never seemed to be done...

at least to a satisfactory level...



countless late nites of work in aic were rendered useless when some bloody bitch cant keep their gaping gap closed...

and had to shoot their mouth off resulting in chris sayin yah yah yah...

now i have to amend this n that... redo this n that...

fuck u bitch...



now i so goddamn stressed...

fucking brain aint working...

bloody heart is pounding like it's gonna jump out of me...

fricking shoulders are so damn heavy... so damn sore...

damn wrist is aching like hell...



i'm so fucking exhausted...

and the persistent headache just doesnt seem to go away...

it just irritates me more...



it's only 1.5 weeks before end of sem....

close but not near...

i think i'm gonna shoot myself in the head anytime soon...

Monday, October 17, 2005

memories again...

time now 1.30am...

still in AIC doing work...


i thought maybe playing some new age music would be good...

calm my nerves...

soothe my feelings...


but what's flowing through my mind now are images of you...

and memories of us...

Saturday, October 15, 2005

another idea...

was releasing water just now...

when another idea for my FYP struck me...

2 ideas actually...

marina came to my mind...

and also a museum...

hmmm...

shall see how it goes...

Friday, October 14, 2005

it's a creepy night...

today is a particularly creepy day...

1) the whole house was unexceptionally gloomy... i had to on draw the curtains to allow light into the house and switch on the corridor light which i usually does at 6+...

2) the whole environment in the house wasnt too pleasant... gives me the creeps...

3) i had a very strong feeling i was being watched when i was cookin maggi mee at around 12 midnite...

4) i thought i saw xueling with my side vision sitting at the dining table when i was wearing my slippers.. when i looked up... the chair was empty...

5) xueling had a miss call which she could not trace where it's from...

6) xueling had her pic taken when she was reading at 3am in the morning... no one took the pic for her... i was in my room... she was holding her book with 2 hands... derrick was not around... so who could have taken the pic...?

the most disturbing thing abt the pic was that the person was standing right next to xueling when the pic was taken...



i always knew the house was really too "clean..."

but it's getting way too much for me to handle...


xueling heard footsteps in my room when i was not around...

i heard voices or rather conversatons in xueling's room... and when i told her about it.. she said she was sleeping at the time i heard the conversation...

i too hear noises from derrick's room occasionally in the day and night...

xueling saw shadows outside my room... and advised me to close my windows tat nite which i didnt... the next morning... xueling told me she heard voices in my room... and when i was sleeping... i could hear them too in my state of semi-consiousness...




there is also this particular spot in the living / dining room which xueling and i feel strongly disturbed...



damn shit...

just 15mins ago... when i standing outside xueling's room talking to her... xueling claims she saw a pair of feet at the corner of the wall... behide me...



fuck...

my goosebumps are all bursting out as i was typing this...

fuck again...

for the 1st time im glad to see the sun before i go to bed...

life...

tea and maggi been has been my diet for the past week...

or rather diet since much of the semester...

it's either i'm too tired to cook...

or too busy to cook...

life kinda suck this sem...



optimists would say life is not a bed of roses...



yah... but...



life isn't about tea and maggi mee either...

1 last shot...

did my maths just now...

i still have at distinction for this year...

maybe this sem if i try hard enuff...

another 2 weeks... before it's due...

damn...

it's only 2 weeks...

Thursday, October 13, 2005

words twisting...

i wonder why some people would twist words around to make themselves feel good and look good...

what are they tryin to prove by belittle-ing others...

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

2am in the morning... wondering...

it's 2am in the morning...

here i am... still in uni...

with my drawings laid out all in front of me...

reference materials on my left...

sketches on my right...

but it's you that's in my mind...



wondering how are you now...

wondering if ur feeling better...

wondering if ur sleeping...

wondering if we ever be like we were before...



wondering...



if the voucher would ever be used...

missing u

i miss u...

Monday, October 10, 2005

so sianz...

i have never felt so reluctant before...

i have never felt so demoralized before...

i have never felt so disappointed before...

i have never felt so sianz before...



so sianz to be alone out here...



so sianz... so sianz...

Saturday, October 08, 2005

a listening ear...

would be good if i have 1...



but for now...

all i have is this blog...


. . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . .

emotions...

emotions...

the affective aspect of consciousness...

a state of feeling...

a psychic and physical reaction (as anger or fear)

subjectively experienced as strong feeling and physiologically involving changes that prepare the body for immediate vigorous action...

they suck...



i hate having these emotions...



envy... jealousy...

joy... sadness...

love... hatred...



they suck....



i suck too...

wat's the use of a fucking blog when i can't even express myself in words...



gimme a gun...

it would be the solution to all the problems...

Friday, October 07, 2005

those songs...

it's been so long...

but still i hasn't got the courage to listen to those songs...

david gates... paul cardiff... julie blue... bread...

they just bring back memories...



i wanted to delete them from my hard disk...

but yet i can't bear to...

these are what reminds me of you...



i miss you...

so much now...

Thursday, October 06, 2005

fly guard...

1 pro and 1 con...

PRO = prevents FLIES from flyin INTO my room...

CON = prevent FLIES from flying OUTTA my room...



tmd..

stupid fuckin irritating big fat fly is buzzing around my head...

and the stupid fly guard got between the fly and the nature...

dunnno how the hell the stupid fucking irritating fly got into my room...



*cocks shotgun*

pain...

the pain hurts exceptionally bad today...

meaning...

the reason behind the existence of this blog is to pen my inner thoughts...

but somehow...

this blog is losing its meaning day by day...

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

happy ending...? tears and sorrow...?

Isn't it amazing how love works differently for each individual...?

for some... it begins with a happy start but ends with tears and sorrow...

for others... it begins with tears and sorrow but with a happy ending...



Zhiwei, one of my sec sch fren is getting engaged this coming nov...

with his gf of wat 5 years...?



On the other hand... maybe i should'tn mention his name...

ended his 2 year relationship...



Most ppl would have loved... or been loved at least 1 in their lifetime...

but how many would actually have a happy ending...?

how many would end up with a broken heart...?



is Love all about fate...?

or is it controlled by us...?



i wish i have the answer...

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

15 Reasons to Stay in Singapore...

Posted by caramon. on the net...



15 Reasons to Stay in Singapore...

1. I will never get to meet so many foreigners if I migrate to Austrailia - if I see them in Australia, they are probably tourists and are not there to work and contribute to the country.

2. If I go, I will begin to miss the HDB flats I stay in, they are very small and easy to clean. If I go to Australia my house will be so big, I will tire myself out cleaning it!

3. I will miss the MRT & Buses. If I migrate, I'll probably have to buy a car because the public transport there is not as good. Instead of having someone drive me to my destination, I will have to drive myself around, how tiring.

4. If I migrate to another country, I'll be lost because the govt there does not tell me what to do unlike the Singapore govt.

5. There will be no NS and reservist to provide me with a break from work and forced exercise.

6. I might be given welfare when I'm out of job, that might make me lazy.

7. I might have to vote. For the past 35 years in Singapore, I never have to vote.

8. The hospitals are not crowded by dengue patients, it might be a lonely experience if I get sick and warded.

9. The govt ministers are paid only a fraction of what PAP ministers, how can I trust them with my future?

10. They allow people to protest, what happen if they do it on the street while I'm driving, I might be caught in a jam and be late.

11. Their newspapers don't give the same views as the govt, that might tire my mind trying to resolve the inconsistency.

12. I'll miss the Straits Times and Chua Mui Hoong articles.

13. I'll not get to buy pirated software.

14. I'll miss all the great govt companies like NTUC, HDB, PUB, SingTel, etc.

15. I'll miss those sensational murder stories of foreigners getting chopped to pieces and body parts left all over Singapore.