the "singles" club...

another of my fren turned single today...

seems like its a trend among my clique..

once someone gets attached... the rest follows...

and of coz vice versa...



weird...

must be strange force at work...

the "dark side..."


anyway...

i just wish to congratulate my fren for joining the club...

the "singles" club...

presentation...

finally the design phase is over...

im glad the crit panel liked my design...

pretty sure it's gonna be a 70-80s marka range...

pretty sure it's gonna be a high credit or distinction...



but still...

the sense of loneliness and emptiness lingers in my mind...

sad...

feelings...

i thought i have come to terms with it after a while...

but i didnt know it still affect me so much...

feeling now is terrible...

the sense of loneliness... emptiness and lost seems overwhelming...

my heart feels so heavy...

feels so pain...

it's like an eternal fall into the dark abyss...

scary... and dark...



i have so much to say in my heart... but i dunno where to start...

i have no1 to turn to either...

not when im in newcastle...

not when im in this god forsaken place...



im stupid...

no doubts about tat...

i always do things on impulse only to regret later...

this time im really regretting big time...

stupidity has no limits..



read a thread on self-destruction in forums the other day...

i think i fit correctly in the criteria...

im self destructing...

i tried to pull myself up....

i tried hard...

but i failed again...



everyone in tat particular commented about pulling yrself up again n stuff...

they said it with such ease...

well... it's always easier said then done...

it's only when they go thru the shit then will they realize the pain n hurt...

i wonder...

it's been sometime...

how is she...?

did she forget me...?

does she miss me...?

does she hate me...?

i wonder if i still mean something to her...

i wonder...

this perhaps i'll never know...

guilty...

i feel so guilty...

i did so many things which i shldnt have done...

i lied...

i made use of others...

i hide...

so many things...

*guilty*

Williams Brother - Can't Cry Hard Enough...

I'm gonna live my life...
Like every day's the last...
Without a simple good-bye...
It all goes by so fast...

And now that you're gone...
I can't cry hard enough...
No I can't cry hard enough...
For you to hear me now...

I'm gonna open my eyes...
And see for the first time...
I've let go of you like...
A child letting go of his kite...

There it goes up in the sky...
There it goes beyond the clouds...
For no reason why...
I can't cry hard enough...
No I can't cry hard enough...
For you to hear me now...

I'm gonna look back in vain...
And see you standing there...
When all that remains...
Is just an empty chair...

And now that you're gone...
I can't cry hard enough...
No I can't cry hard enough...
For you to hear me now...

There it goes, up in the sky...
There it goes, beyond the clouds...
For no reason why...
I can't cry hard enough...
No I can't cry hard enough...
For you to hear me now...

. . . . .

done-ed...

finally...

high rise assignment is done...

or rather i have given up...

this is so unlike me...

changed...?

perhaps...

. . . . . . ?

feels uncomfy...

you got a problem...?

i fucking hate it when people peep into my room...

what's your fucking problem...?

you wanna know my progress...?

you open your fucking mouth n ask...

dun peep...

:(

hasnt been sleepin well...

images of Her kept appearing...

no matter how hard i try to block them out...

Righteous Brothers - You've Lost That Loving Feeling...

You never close your eyes...
Anymore when I kiss your lips...
And there's no tenderness...
Like before in your fingertips....
You're trying hard not to show it, (baby)...
But baby, baby I know it...

You've lost that lovin' feelin',
Whoa, that lovin' feelin',
You've lost that lovin' feelin',
Now it's gone...gone...gone...wooooooh...

Now there's no welcome look...
In your eyes when I reach for you...
And now you're starting to...
Criticize little things I do...
It makes me just feel like crying, (baby)...
'Cause baby, something beautiful's dyin'...

You lost that lovin' feelin',
Whoa, that lovin' feelin',
You've lost that lovin' feelin',
Now it's gone...gone...gone...woooooah...

Baby, baby, I'd get down on my knees for you...
If you would only love me like you used to do, yeah...
We had a love...a love...a love you don't find everyday...
So don't...don't...don't...don't let it slip away...

Baby (baby), baby (baby),
I beg of you please (please), please (please)
I need your love (I need your love), I need your love (I need your love),
So bring it on back (So bring it on back),
Bring it on back (so bring it on back)...

Bring back that lovin' feelin',
Whoa, that lovin' feelin'
Bring back that lovin' feelin',
'Cause it's gone...gone...gone,
and I can't go on,
woh-oh-oh-oh...

Bring back that lovin' feelin',
Whoa, that lovin' feelin'
Bring back that lovin' feelin',
'Cause it's gone...gone...gone...
And I can't go on.. wooooah...

. . . . .

Joey Lawrence - Stay Forever...

Outside my window...
The rain is pouring down...
And I can see your face mirrored in my mind...
I have to wonder...
Is this just a dream...
Are you thinking of me and looking through your window too...

And I'll make a wish...
And send it out to you...
I've got all my heart, and all my love to give...
I didn't mean to make you hurt...
Or make you cry...
I still feel this love, girl...
Deep inside...

I wanna stay forever with you...
Feeling every heartbeat...
So close to mine...
I wanna stay forever with you...
Holding on to every breath...
Stay forever with you...

I remember all those endless nights...
When a look in each other's eyes...
Made everything alright...
And every kiss would go on for eternity...
A feel of your touch would take my breath away...

And I'll make a wish...
And send it out to you...
I've got all my heart, and all my love to give...
And this hurt to feel it girl...
I feel it too...
Don't wanna live my life...
Without you...

I wanna stay forever with you...
Feeling every heartbeat...
So close to mine...
I wanna stay forever with you...
Holding on to every breath...
Stay forever with you...

Even though we're apart, girl...
I feel close to your heart...
And now time is standing still...
Waiting for you...

I wanna stay forever with you...
Feeling every heartbeat...
So close to mine...
I wanna stay forever with you...
Holding on to every breath...
Stay forever with you...

(Stay forever with you)
I wanna stay forever...
(Feeling every heartbeat)
You know it's true, I love you...
(I wanna stay forever)
I don't think I'd be able to make it without you, girl...
Stay forever with you...
I need you now, baby...

. . . . .

missing Her...

the terrible feeling is still there...

the feeling of missing some1...

but yet you are unable to tell Her that...

i guess i can only say that to Her here...

she's never gonna know but still...

I MISS YOU...

interview...

yeah...

got my 1st interview for my june vacation job...

the 1st happy thing in many many months..

'N Sync - This I Promise You...

Ooohh, oohhhhhh...

When the visions around you, bring tears to your eyes...
And all that surrounding you are secret and lies...
I"ll be your strength,I'll give you hope...
Keeping your faith when it"s gone...
The one you should call...
Was standing here all along...

And i will take you in my arms...
And hold you right where you belong...
'til the day my life is through...
This I Promise You..This I Promise You...

I've loved you forever in lifetimes before...
And I promise you'll never will you hurt anymore...
I'll give you my world,I'll give you my heart...
This is a battle we've won...
And with this vow...
Forever has now begun...

Just close your eyes each lovin' day...
And know this feeling won't go away...
'til the day my life is through...
This I Promise You...
This I Promise You...

Over and over I fall...
When I hear you call...
Without you in my life, baby...
I just wouldn't be livin' at all...

And i will take you in my arms...
And hold you right where you belong...
'til the day my life is through...
This I Promise You..This I Promise You...

Just close your eyes each lovin' day...
And know this feeling won't go away...
'til the day my life is through...
This I Promise You...This I Promise You...

Every word i say is true, this I promise you...
Ooohhhhhhh...
I promise you...

. . . . .

Rick Price - Heaven Knows...

She's always on my mind...
From the time I wake up...
'Till I close my eyes...
She's everywhere I go...
She's all I know...

'Though she's so far away...
It just keeps getting stronger everyday...
And even now she's gone...
I'm still holding on...

So tell me where do I start...
'Cause it's breaking my heart...
Don't wanna let her go...

Maybe my love will come back some day...
Only heaven knows...
And maybe our hearts will find their way...
Only heaven knows...
And all I can do is hope and pray...
'Cause heaven knows...

My friends keep telling me...
That if you really love her...
You've gotta set her free...
And if she returns in time...
I'll know she's mine...

So tell me where do I start...
'Cause it's breaking my heart...
Don't wanna let her go...

Maybe my love will come back some day...
Only heaven knows...
And maybe our hearts will find their way...
Only heaven knows...
And all I can do is hope and pray...
'Cause heaven knows...

Why I live in despair...
'Cause wide awake or dreaming...
I know she's never there...
And all these time I act so brave...
I'm shaking inside...
Why does it hurt me so...

Maybe my love will come back some day...
Only heaven knows...
And maybe our hearts will find their way...
Only heaven knows...
And all I can do is hope and pray...
'Cause heaven knows...

Heaven knows...

. . . . .

screwed big time...

this time im really done for...

i have tried...

but...

a cold morning...

it's a cold morning...

covered myself with the thick quilt...

but i still shivered under...

the window is closed...

the heater is on...

but i still feel cold...

is it the temperature that is low...

or is it the heart within that had turned cold...

a new friend...

i made a new fren today...

and i think we can click very well...

when i eat...

when i sleep..

when i work...

whenever...

wherever...

i always have his company...



by the way.... my friend's name is "Loneliness"

thank you..

renee...

jasmine...

im glad i have u 2 as my frens...

both of you never fail to listen to my endless whining...

my endless complains...

though i might be harsh at times to the two of u...

u have never failed to be there for me when i have fallen...

u helped me up...

and encouraged me to move on...

u were always there when im at my lowest...

u were always there when im down...

your shoulders were always available when i needed 1...

your ears were all wide open when i needed some1 to tok to...

i really appreciate wat the two of u have done...

thank you for always being the confidant when i needed 1...

thank you...

lies... lies... lies...

i knew it was a pack of lies all along...

yet i chose to believe..

i chose to delude myself...

im such a fool...

im so stupid...

so so stupid...

HATE...

I HATE U...

break down...

my head hurts so bad...

my heart feels so heavy...

i cant take all this shit...

i cant fucking think clearly...

im gonna break down soon...

mental block...

i dunno what im doing...

technical...

the part of the assessment im best in...

but this time...

i cant think shit...

the most basic curtain wall construction...

i cant even draw a single detail...

what am i doing...?

Richard Marx - When You're Gone...

Well look at me, the guy who's got it all...
Tryin' to read my own writing on the wall...
Not happy 'til the sadness comes...
To keep me company...
Oh, but what becomes of fools who love like me...

Who's gonna dry my tears...
When I'm crying...
Who's gonna hold my hand...
When I'm dying...
Who's gonna set me right when...
Everything is wrong...
Who's gonna love me...
When you're gone...

Sure as winter goes and comes around again...
I will be my own undoing in the end...
I'll find the answers I've been searching for...
In your goodbye kiss...
'Cause I don't deserve you and you don't deserve this...


Who's gonna dry my tears...
When I'm crying...
And who's gonna hold my hand...
When I'm dying...
Who's gonna set me right when...
Everything is wrong...
Yeah, who's gonna love me...
When you're gone...

Never happy 'til the darkness comes...
And rains down on me...
Down on me...

And who's gonna dry my tears...
When I'm crying...
And who's gonna hold my hand...
When I'm dying...
Who's gonna set me right when...
Everything is wrong...
Who's gonna love me...
When you're gone...

Who's gonna love me when you're gone...
Baby when you're gone...
Yeah, who's gonna love me...
When you're gone...
Who's gonna love me when you're gone...
Who's gonna love me...

. . . . .

puke... again...

i puked again...

i have been feeling like this for the past few days

i feel so sick...

and i dunno the cause...

fucking inconsiderate...

every1 is so fucking inconsiderate...

all they ever thought of is themselves...

are you done with this...?

are you done with that...?

i need to use this and that...?

wat the fuck...?

does it ever occur to you that u have been hoggin on to it and i hasnt even touch it yet...?

the fucking clothes rack is 1 fucking example...

every1 is fighting for it...?

and u fuckin hang the clothes on it and leave the rack in the laundry... how would it ever dry...?

now i need to use it and all u ppl ever say is my clothes aint dry yet...

fuck you all...

i leave my clothes in the sun for 2 days and they aint dry...

u leave them in the laundry and do you think they will dry...?

please use yr fucking brains...

terrible...

i feel so terrible...

i miss Her so much but i cant get to her...

all these bottled feelings and thoughts are killing me...

i have no 1 to turn to here...

no1 is reliable in newcastle...

no1...

i only have this blog to let it out...

this blog...

my best friend... my confidant...

trying...

it's so hard to focus...

i have tried so hard...

but...

numbing myself...

i work... work... work...

tried to indulge myself fully into work...

to numb myself...

but the focus always seemed to be more on her than work....

the 3rd casualty...

index finger...

1 pin...

1 hole...

1 pint...

pain...?

not anymore...

this morning...

i woke up missing Her alot...

so much so much...

She was the 1st thing that came to my mind when i open my eyes...

She was on my mind every minute...

and every second...

since morning til now...

i miss Her so much so much...

the curve...

the 1st smile in many many days...

thank you...

u brought the curve back to my face...

i will work hard...

promise...

like a swordsman...

like the way a swordman swipe his blade...

i swipe my penknife...

thru the cardboard...

thru the foam core...

thru my flesh...

blood splattered...

the way a chicken does when u winches off its neck...



*ouch*



the 2nd cut tonite...

first casualty was my thumb...

the toe was next...

what's next i wonder...

til the day...

til the day the sun shines no more...

this heart of mine will never die...

remember...

i wonder did she remember to lock the door...?

to switch off the kettle...

to swith off the lights...

to pull the blinds...

im worried...

she is always so blur...



i wonder did she thought of getting a temp maid to clean the house...

no 1 to help her clean liao...

and she is always so tired and lazy...



i wonder...

do u remember all these...?

i do...

always do...

Richard Marx - Right Here Waiting...

Oceans apart, day after day...
And I slowly go insane...
I hear your voice on the line...
But it doesn't stop the pain...
If I see you next to never...
How can we say forever...

Wherever you go...
Whatever you do...
I will be right here, waiting for you...
Whatever it takes...
Or how my heart breaks...
I will be right here, waiting for you...

I took for granted, all the times...
That I thought would last, somehow...
I hear the laughter, I taste the tears...
But I can't get near you now...
Oh, can't you see it baby...
You've got me goin' crazy...

Wherever you go...
Whatever you do...
I will be right here, waiting for you...
Whatever it takes...
Or how my heart breaks...
I will be right here, waiting for you...

I wonder how we can survive...
This romance...
But in the end, if I'm with you...
I'll take the chance...

Oh, can't you see it baby...
You've got me goin' crazy...

Wherever you go...
Whatever you do...
I will be right here, waiting for you...
Whatever it takes...
Or how my heart breaks...
I will be right here, waiting for you...
Waiting for you...

. . . . .

cant stop...

can't stop missing...

can't stop thinking...

can't stop worrying...

can't stop loving...

headache...

i hate this headache...

it doesnt seem to go away...

i hate this pain...

it's been there for so long....

insomnia...? or...?

4.45am...

the house is getting quieter by the minute...

jolyn was the 1st to concuss...

derrick was 2nd...

xueling just off the lights...

everyone is asleep except me...



the sun is rising in an hour's time...

the birds are gonna catch their breadfast...



here i am...

still awake...

this is quite normal...

it's been a long while since i sleep before 2am...

is it insomnia...?

or is it something else...?



this i dunno...

thoughts and feelings...

isnt missing some1 a sweet thing to do...?

but why is it such an antagonizing act for me...?



images of u flood my mind...

memories of us kept coming back...


how are you now...?

i miss you...

are you getting on alright...?

i hope u r fine...

*puke*

i puke just now...

into my lasagne...



im so sick of lasagne...

im so sick of microwaved food...

so sick of maggi mee...

so sick of bread + cheese + ham...



i have been having them everyday...

either for dinner or for lunch...

this diet had been goin on for the past few weeks...


rice + egg is now a delicacy to me...

and i can hardly remember when i last had them...



i wished i have the time to cook...

but... :(

i miss mum's cooking...

Depechemode - Somebody (The Lonely Mix)

I want somebody to share...
share the rest of my life...
share my innermost thoughts...
know my intimate details...

someone who'll stand by my side...
and give me support...
and in return...
she'll get my support...

she will listen to me...
when I want to speak...
about the world we live in...
and life in general...

though my views may be wrong...
they may even be perverted...
she'll hear me out...
and won't easily be converted...

to my way of thinking...
in fact she'll often disagree...
but at the end of it all...
she will understand me...

I want somebody who cares...
for me passionately...
with every thought...
and with every breath...

someone who'll help me see things...
in a different light...
all the things I detest...
I will almost like...

I don't want to be tied...
to anyone's strings...
I'm carefully trying to stay clear...
out of those things...

But when I'm asleep...
I want somebody...
who will put their arms around me...
and kiss me tenderly...

though things like this make me sick...
in a case like this...
I'll get away with it...

. . . . .

sick...

i feel so sick...

the headache is so bad...

my body is burning...



i feel so uncomfy...

i need some affection...

i need some care...



where are you...?

i need you...

need you so much now...

it aint supposed to be like this...

sorry is not what i wanna heard...

forget is not what i wanna do...



there are things i wanna heard...

things i wanna do...


but it's not happening...

not anymore...

it aint supposed to be like this...



i wished i had the power to turn back time...

and i would have made the right choice 1.5 years back...

i would not have choose this route now...



i hate this place... i hate the people here...

i hate u all...



now.... all i can do is just pray for your well-being...

and i hope what we did together will remain in your heart...

and i hope we can continue them again...



forever...

loving you...

my dearest dear dear...

im lost...

im so lost...

i dunno where to start...

seems like everything turned upside down...



i dunno where to start in my work...

i dunno what to do...

i dunno everything...



im just so lost...

everything looked the same...

but somehow confused...

distorted...

twisted...



suddenly i have no aim...

where am i heading...

what do i want...



my compass is gone...

the light at the end of the tunnel dimmed... and vanished...



now i'm all alone in this cold and dark place...

i screamed...

but nothing came out...

i searched around frantically for the light...

but i still end up at the same place...



this time im really lost...

really lost...

Sting - When We Dance...

If he loved you...
Like I love you...
I would walk away in shame...
I'd move town, I'd change my name...

When he watches you...
When he comes to buy your soul...
On your hand his golden rings...
Like he owns a bird that sings...

When we dance...
Angels will run and hide their wings...

The priests have said my soul's salvation...
Lies in the balance of the angels...
And underneath the wheels of passion...
I keep the faith in my fashion...

When we dance...
Angels will run and hide their wings...

I'm still in love with you...

When we dance...
Angels will run and hide their wings...

I'm gonna find a place to live...
Give you all I've got to give...
I'm gonna love you more than life...
If you'll only be my wife...
I'm gonna love you night and day...
I'm gonna try in every way...

When we dance...
Angels will run and hide their wings...

I'm gonna find a place to live...
Give you all I've got to give...
I would love you more than life...
If you'll only be my wife...

If I could break down these walls...
And shout my name at heaven's gate...
I'd take these hands...
And I'd destroy the dark machineries of fate...
The vehicles are broken...
Heaven's the one above...
Hellfire's a promise away...
I'd still be saying...
I'm still in love...

He won't love you...
Like I love you...
He won't care for you this way...
He'll mistreat you if you stay...

Come and live with me...
We'll have children of our own...
I would love you more than life...
If you'd come and be my wife...

When we dance...
Angels will run and hide their wings...

I'm gonna love you more than life...
If you'll only be my wife...
I'm gonna love you night and day...
I'm gonna try in every way...

When we dance...
Angels will run and hide their wings...

I'm gonna find a place to live...
Give you all I've got to give...
I would love you more than life...
If you'd only be my wife...
I'm gonna love you night and day...
I'm gonna try in every way...

I'm gonna find a place to live...
Give you all I've got to give...
I would love you more than life...
If you'd only be my wife...
I'm gonna love you night and day...
I'm gonna try in every way...

I'm gonna find a place to live...
Give you all I've got to give...
I would love you more than life...
If you'd only be my wife...
I'm gonna love you night and day...
I'm gonna try in every way...

. . . . .

i wanna be free...

the stress and pain is getting too much for me to take...

i cant handle all these anymore...




i wanna be free from all these...

i dun wanna live in stress and pain and heartache...



i am sick of this life...

i dun wanna live behind a mask anymore...

i dun wanna act as if everything is ok...

deep inside my heart i feel so much pain...

i dun wanna smile at every1 i see...



i feel so much pain...

so much agony...

these pain and stress is too much for me to take...



everything is beyond my control...

beyond my reach...

every fuck thing is happening...

but im fucking stuck here...

FUCKING STUCK HERE...



everything is getting meaningless...

now i can understand why some people commit suicide...

they know it's wrong...

but they do it...



i know it's wrong too...

a brand new day...

it's a brand new day...

finally the sun is shining...

the scenery sure looks diff with the blue sky and hot sun...

it's so warm outside...



im cladded with layers of clothes...

the window is closed...

the heater is on...

but why is the room so cold...?

but do i still feel so cold...?

*focus focus focus*

i cant focus...

i tried so hard but i cant...

my mind keep wandering...



i wonder how you are now...

are you ok...?

have you eaten...?



happy and sad memories flood my mind...

overwhelming my focus on my work..

i can't work...

i can't sleep...

i can't eat...



why do i have to bring up such a stupid thing to say...?

i am so stupid...

i am so dumb...

i brought this upon myself...



i deserve all these...

the tears & the heart...

i thought when the heart had turned cold...

all tears would have stopped flowing...



but...



they didnt...

tears are still flowing...



the heart...

still hasnt gone cold...



my heart...

still feels...



where are you now...?

i miss u so much...

im so worried about you...



sorry...

. . . . . .

i cant focus...

i cant do work...

i cant do shit....

i simply cant pick myself up...



im so stressed... so unhappy... so many uncomfy feelings..

but yet i cant turn to any1...

i cant speak to any1 here...



i have no confidant here...

i have no1 to be there for me when im here...

this blog is all i have here...



my sanctuary...

and the voice within....

the voice that speaks my feelings...

YOU...

always on my mind...

always in my heart...

everywhere i go...

everything i do...



everyday...

every minute...

every second...



i long for your kiss...

your touch...

your hug...



every moment in my life...

i'm still loving you...

Richard Marx - Falling

I've got a secret...
That I think I'm ready to share...
It may bring us closer...
It may be a burden to bear...
It's precious and it's real...
And all that I can feel...

Chorus:
Is that I'm falling...
As deep as any ocean...
In ways that can't be spoken...
I am falling...
For the millionth and the first time...
Ever and eternally for you...

You are a beacon...
Revealing the places I hide...
You've given freedom...
To so much that I kept inside...
And with one look in my eyes...
It can't be a surprise...

Chorus:
That I am falling...
As deep as any ocean...
In ways that can't be spoken...
I am falling...
For the millionth and the first time...
Ever and eternally for you...

Now there's no darkness...
My truth laid open and bare...
It's in my flesh and bones...
Yeah it's everywhere...

Chorus:
That I am falling...
As deep as any ocean...
In ways that can't be spoken...
I am falling...
Like rays that come from heaven...
Bathed in your reflection...
I am falling...
For the millionth and the first time...
Ever and eternally for you...

"it..."

there it is...

lurking at the corner of the room...

waiting for a suitable time to strike...

waiting for the sun to hit the horizon...

waiting for me...

to be at my least defensive...




then it will strike hard...

strike deep...



right where i am at my most vulnerable...

right where i am at my weakest...



then "it" will slowly consume me...

from the inside...

tears me apart...

into pieces...



the strength that once kept me going is getting weaker...

the voice that encourages me from within is getting softer...

the fighthing spirit within me is dwindling...

since that day...



now... all that is left of me...

is just an empty shell...

alone...

lost...

scare...



time is all that matters...

before i fall...

before i succumb to "it..."

depression...

i can sense it coming...

it's coming...

Radiohead - Creep...

When you were here before...
Couldn't look you in the eye...
You're just like an angel...
Your skin makes me cry...
You float like a feather...
In a beautiful world...
I wish I was special...
You're so fucking special...

But I 'm a creep...
I 'm a weirdo...
What the hell am I doing here...?
I don't belong here...

I don't care if it hurts...
I want to have control...
I want a perfect body...
I want a perfect soul...
I want you to notice...
When I'm not around...
You're so fucking special...
I wish I was special...

But I'm a creep...
I'm a weirdo...
What the hell am I doing here...?
I don't belong here...

She's running out again...
She's running out...
She run, run, run run...
Run...

Whatever makes you happy...
Whatever you want...
You're so fucking special...
I wish I was special...

But I'm a creep...
I'm a weirdo...
What the hell am I doing here...?
I don't belong here...
I don't belong here...


. . . . .

the emptiness within...

emptiness...

the perfect adjective to describe me...

it's how im feeling all along...



1.5 years had past but the sense of satisfaction is not there...

what the hell am i doing here...?

as day passes...

the reason became blurred...

for what am i doing here...?



architecture and decoration...

they seem the same to me now...

u dun need a fuckin degree to do decoration...



i dunno how to go thru the rest of it...

the rest of the 1.5 years...

the past 1.5 years is enuff...

it is enuff...



i cant take it anymore...

the pain...

the agony...

the suffering...



im a weakling...

i do nothing but whine all day....

im such a failure...

i can't breathe anymore...

i feel so terrible inside...

the pain and agony are totally unbearable...

but yet i have to act as if everything is ok...

this mask is so heavy... it's weighing me down...

i can't breathe behind this mask...



i feel so stressed by work...

i hardly have enuff sleep...

everytime i close my eyes...

i get tramutised by nitemares...



the fear of losing... the fear of failing... the fear of not doing well...

along with the help of drugs and pills...

kept me going...



for every second...

the effects from the drugs and pills kept me going...

my body is damaged...

i know the side effects...

i know the harm...

i know the damage...

but using them to keep me awake and relief the pain is the only way...

the only way for me to compete against time...



i know i will fall 1 day eventually...

and time will overtake me...

leaving me behind...

alone...

again...

too many things... too little spaces...

i have so much thoughts...

so much feelings...

but no where to let it all out...

person whom i can confide in are away from me...

people around me now are simply unreliable...

i hate this place...

it costs me everything...

it's simply not worth it at all...



this is the answer to the question that had been lingering in my mind...

IT IS NOT FUCKING WORTH IT ...



i feel so terrible here...

not a single day was i smiling...

chains of events kept happening...

clouds of unhappiness hangs around my head...



im so helpless here...

so helpless...

im such a useless bum...



my brother was right...

grades aint everything...

it's not worth spending so much time and so much money here...

the money could have been put to better use than to spend it on a useless bum like me...



i'm sorry ...

i have allowed personal feelings affect everything and everyone...

i'm sorry if i have let u all down again...

the cold winter...

winter came early this year...

it was exceptionally cold...

not only did it chill the flesh and bones...

it chills the heart too...



the heater is on...

the jacket is on...

but warmth is 1 thing that never find me...

not this year at least...



nites are so long...

so cold...

so lonely...

i supposed it's here to stay...



who else can i blame...?

afterall... i was the one who asked for it...

like many have said...

stupidity has no limits...



in deed...



no limits...

addict + escapist + workaholic...

the pain never seem to go away...

the tiredness seems to stay...

it's been in my head for so long til i forgot when it started...

the tiredness is always there no matter how much i rest...

panadols and no-doz plus have been part of my daily diet...



i'm slowly becoming an addict...

everyday i live on pills and tablets...

to ease the pain in my head...

to keep me awake...

to keep me working...

to keep me occupied...

to take up all my time...

so that i dun have time to think...

dun have time to miss anyone...



im a workaholic...

i bury myself in my work...

i neglected every1...

Her...

family...

friends...

every1 but myself...



i curse myself for working so hard...

black & white...

when life loses its meaning...

all else turns black and white...

alone...

4.37am...

alone...

lost...

helpless...

on a foreign land...

fan...

so fan...

my heart feels so heavy...

my body feels so weary...

im so tired... so so tired...

so sick and tired of this life...




i would pay $1000 to any1 who puts a bullet thru my head...

the voice within...

im so tired...

is it really so difficult out here...

everyday im struggling...

juggling family... studies... relationship... friendship... inter-personal relationship...

all these are wearing me down...

i find it so hard to maintain a balance...

when i focus too much on my studies... i neglect my relationship...

focus too much on relationship and i neglect friendship...

focus too much on friendship and my studies get affected...



im so tired of this lifestyle...

for the past few months... doubts clouded my mind...

is it worth it...?

this question had been appearing...

more and more frequently...



contemplating suicide is no longer a stranger to me...

many a times the thought crossed my mind...

but the fear proved a hurdle...

the thought of leaving my loved ones behind gave me 2nd thoughts...

the unfillial act of disappointing my family again convinced me to drop the idea...

but how long will it be the fear... the thoughts become secondary...?

i dunno...

but time will tell...



i miss home... so much... so much...

never in my life have i miss home so much...

seems like for the past 20 odd years i have taken my home and family for granted...

home to me back then was just a shelter over my head...

i was wrong...

there is a deeper meaning to the 4 letters... H O M E...



i have so many thoughts in my mind... too many to mention...

jasmine have been telling me to take life easy...

go easy on myself and not to push myself too hard... over the limits...

i really appreciate it... she is always there when im down...

i thank u for all u have done...

*lost*

cold & rainy nite...

sleepless...

lost...

heavy heart...

filled with disappointment & despair...

this feeling...

just gets stronger everyday...



ppl always say...

what dont kill you... makes u a stronger man...



just how true is it...

yah... it doesnt kill me straight away...

it just wears me down bit by bit...

everyday...



killing me softly...

killing me slowly...

draining the life outta me...



i hate this feeling...

sucks...

lesson learned...

the higher the expectations...

the greater the disappointment...

dinner menu...

7 days of fast-food and micro-waved food...

sad...

i cant hardly recall the last time i had rice...

lost...

im feeling so lost today...

fcuked... again...

im fcuked... again... for this assignment..

time is running out...

and i still cant make up my mind...

too much ideas... too little time...

fcuked liao...

10 reasons to move out... and 1 reason not to...

top 10 reasons to move out...

1) nobody to scrutinise the things i do...

2) more privacy...

3) dun have to see other's "lian she..."

4) smoke-free environment...

5) i cook what i like to eat...

6) the toilet will be cleaner...

7) i dun have to off the lights and taps for HE & SHE...

8) i dun have to clear other's dishes...

9) i dun have to live with the mess others created...

10) the limit is near...



1 reason not to move out...

1) it costs a lot more to live in hostel...

things she does that pisses me off...

the female version of "things he does that pisses me off..."

1st - she dun clear the dishes...

2nd - she leaves the light and taps on...

3rd - she expects me to cook and complain the food is not up to her standard...

4th - she expects me to clear the mess she created around the house...

yah... SHE contributes to the cigarette smell in the house too...

things he does that pisses me off...

this is getting from bad to worse...

1st - he pee-ed on the floor...

2nd - he dun bothered to clear the dishes...

3rd - he bosses around...

4th - he leaves the lights and tap on...

now the whole fricking house smells of cigarettes...

muahahaha....

sleep sleep sleep...

marathon...

4 days...

8 hours...